Monday, 13 February 2012

Bad Santa

IT was a cold dark December evening, warmed only in the kitchen by the glow of a Belling ceramic hob illuminated from above by a 20watt bulb in the cooker hood.  In a pan, he was warming through some pasta and shook in some olive oil and a crushed clove of garlic.  Pasta gave him terrible wind.  Turning on his heel the miserable bastard pulled down the zinc kitchen work surface and set out a plate and a fork.  Some dreadful sounds from the radio on top of the microwave fizzed into life when he turned the thing on – always on Radio 2 and he pulled the stool over and pored the hot pasta onto the cold plate.  It was quarter past 7 and the key was turning in the front door of the small apartment. 

The Lodger came home, cheerful and blustery until he got to the door having been in the pub after leaving the office and pulled the earphone buds from his cold red ears. His mood soured as he forcefully squeezed past the misery on the stool and pulled an aluminium pan from the rack and poured some water into it from the tap. His eyes darted between the pan and the codger on the stool and thought about bringing it down heavily on his head.  He squeezed by again and put his hand down on the ceramic hob surface and as he did so, cursed loudly for burning his hand. 

“You could have told me it was on”.
“There is a little HOT sign there lit up ‘coz its hot and I am eating hot food, kind a gives you a clue”.
“Still, you could have said.  Are you listening to his crap?”
“That’s why it’s on, because I’m listening to it”.

A brief pause as the lodger put some beige soya sponges into the pan from a dull plastic container on the shelf above the sink.

“I can’t listen to this, its fucking dreadful.  Its an organ version of Top of The World”.
“When do I ever come in and turn your crap off, eh?”
“I don’t listen to crap”.
“Its all CRAP, the same crap over and over again and you leave the crap cds all over the place”.

The smelly old frying pan came down now and was filled with some left over noodles from a plate in the fridge and when the oil in pan was spitting, he slid the cold noodles into it and it spat hot fat onto the back of the old git as he scraped up the last of his meal into his mouth.  The hot oil smoked up the kitchen and as he got up off the stool to put the plate into the sink, he turned on the cooker hood fan up to high and also the extractor on the ceiling.  The noise was now unbearable.

It might have been appropriate now to move out of the kitchen and let the lodger prepare his mean in peace as the Old Git had.  Instead, he reached up for a tin of sweet pears and pulled the lid off and used his fingers to scoop out a segment and slurped it into his mouth.  The Lodger regarded this with disgust and squeezed past to get something from the fridge and then back again to put it in the frying pan.  The Old Git washed his plate and things, emptied the sink and then wiped the surface he had eaten from.  He pushed the stool into the corner and lifted the zinc top up into the cupboard.  Deciding to fix himself a scotch before he finished in there, he quickly fetched down the bottle from the top shelf and a glass from the cupboard and pored a generous measure.  Finally he plonked two ice cubes into the glass just as The Lodger exploded with exasperation.

“How bloody long are you going to faff about.  Would it be too much trouble to wait until I had finished cooking to do all of that”.
“Your bloody drunk already.  I hung on an hour for you to come in and sort yourself out.  Don’t blame me for being a pisshead, just leave this kitchen spotless, I’m up early tomorrow and I don’t want your smelly pans about the place.  I don’t know why I put up with this”.

Taking the bottle with him, the Old Git spent an hour or so just listening the Lodger as he finished preparing his meal, resting quietly for 10 minutes or so and then ventured out of his room and fetched something out of the kitchen, probably the bottle opener and a glass.  After another half an hour a low, rhythmic vibration gently made the Old Git sick in his stomach.  The crumbling old first floor apartment had paper thin partition walls and noise carried unhindered.  The Old Git then turned on the TV and turned over on his bed and fell sound asleep.

©2010 The Docker  

Thursday, 19 January 2012

The Kindle Man of Rotherhithe

     
The Lizard Man of Rotherhithe

Tony P.

Outside of the grocery on Albion Street, the local copper, landlord and the grocer regarded the local paper and pondered on the events reported about the man who had rented the room over the shop. ‘Age was difficult to determine’ so says the coroner presiding over the inquest in 1971 and, as soon as he saw the corpse, immediately drew a cover over the proceedings citing something about ‘protection of the public’.

The living Tzardif Dyskynyzych was a difficult bloke to age. Tricky to approach, he shied away from folk as best he could, but a chap has to eat and earn a living. In actuality, our man probably emerged in 1920 or thereabouts, and I have a reliable source who tells me Tzardif was born to poor country people on the southern Polish region of Zaglebie Dabrowskie, which is a hard and unforgiving land to live on.   Showing the enlightened attitude of all shepherd folk who scrape a living on the edges of this scrubland, the locals cursed his young mother, quite literally, after she was caught with her knickers down.

Tzardif had a difficult early childhood as a consequence of his parent being ostracized from their kin and he was eventually left outside an orphanage aged about 18 months and his mother was never seen again. Unremarkable in his achievements and unnoticed by most, he lived without making any friends and this rarely caused him concern.   At the age of seven however, Tzardif brought notoriety upon himself. He chanced upon the open school gates and wandered out into the woods. He tripped on his laces and banged his head on a tree stump covered in a pungent vermillion fungus. Dazed, the boy made his way back and stumbled into the orphanage, damp and bedraggled with a few cuts and bruises. He struggled to understand the concern and amazement of the priests who ran the institution (as well as the other orphans and the folk from the village) as he had actually been gone a year to the day. 

To some in the orphanage he was the same boy, he had not aged, or so it appeared, and he was wearing the same clothes. Tzardif thought he had been gone an hour or so but the priests soon became angry and accused the boy of the same witchery as his mother. What happened during that year is not known, though some of the other orphans believe he had not been missing for a year at all. Some thought he may have been held captive by one of the more peculiar priests, but others said they had never noticed the boy before and didn’t know his name. Was he new?

Tzardif was dispatched to the north and placed into a family of a seaman who lived in Danzig to rid the establishment of the unwanted attention such things might attract. Though barely in his teens, he was soon living the life of a merchant sea farer.  This quiet and dull but fidgety child turned into an unremarkable and ungainly gangly young man, with just enough nous about him to get by in the claustrophobic world on board ship. Tzardif worked the trade routes along the ports of northern Europe and further a field. Never one to leave the confines of the ship when in port, the fellow crew members soon got used to this land-shy sailor and left him to his own devices. There was another curiosity aboard ship, however, and one that no one managed to connect with Tzardif. Any ship that he worked on was amazingly rat free.

Things changed somewhat when war broke out but being the simple fellow he was, he let it break out around him and he just got on with life as a sailor as best he could. At least that is until his ship was caught in the sights of a German U-Boat in the North Sea and was sunk. Tzardif and some of his crew were rescued, cold and shivering by a British navy vessel and brought to London.

He settled where foreign sailors have for centuries, along side the south east shore of the Thames and this part of London was where he stayed for thirty years or so, picking up enough English to get by and earning a living as best he could in what was left of the Surrey Docks. He blended well into his surroundings of the dirty red brick terraced houses and tenement buildings in and around the isolated peninsular of Rotherhithe.  In all this time, Tzardif had not made any friends amongst his fellow workers, nor with the other dinners in the café on Albion Street, where he ate every evening, nor with the other drinkers in the Ship and Whale not far from his lodgings. Despite this, he was hardly ever still, his gestures where almost elegant as he would sweep up the pack of cigarettes from the table, tap one out and light it, all seemingly in one dramatic movement, holding his head back for the first drag and slowly exhaling the smoke into a shroud over himself, making him appear to disappear.

During the hot and sunny summer months, Tzardif would sit out in Southwark Park as mums and nannies pushed children in shiny prams. One afternoon, two mums stopped to chat in front of Tzardif as he sat on a bench.  The two women were oblivious to the man but the small boy with them eating an ice cream smiled as the strange man’s face seemed to just blend in with the background except for his big eyes, which inched closer. Tzardif’s eyes were fixed on the ice cream. He steadied himself and then, in a split second, Tzardif opened his mouth and his tongue shot out and enveloped the icy treat, removing it from the child’s grasp. It was back in Tzardif’s mouth before the boy could react as best a young child can and burst into stinging tears and cries.  Completely unawares, the mother looked round and comforted her child. The odd man on the bench seemed to be swallowing something but she just pushed the pram away muttering disapproval but without really knowing what had just happened. 

Tzardif worked long hours in the bakers on Bermondsey Street. He would always walk home and hang his old navy great coat on the hooks on the back of the door along side the skin he shed once a year around July or August. Tzardif had somehow managed to keep this a secret throughout his life. It was a difficult process that required some time, about 2 or 3 days in all and he would stay in his room, managing to get by without food or water.  This was usually the time when his foreman at the batkers would actually notice Tzardif by his absence and would regard him on his return, with suspicion, that he had somehow changed.

So Tzardif Dyskynyzych shed his skin once a year and hung it up on the back of the door for a while to dry it out and then sometimes threw it on the fire. If anyone was to see Tzardif sitting there in the quiet in his room, they would see him move with the careful movements of a chameleon.  With wide sweeping arcs of his arms and tongue extending out to taste the dusty smoky air. Rarely ever exposing his body even in the privacy of his room, but stripping off to wash in his vest and pants, Tzardif would almost disappear, as his skin blended into the dull brown austere surroundings of his room above the grocers, attributes that would not endear him to anyone at all. 

The weather-worn face of Tzardif Dyskynyzych was hard, red and round.  One day in 1971, his hand clutched the razor as he stared into the small shaving mirror on the wall above the sink and the exaggerated movements of his hands waved the blade here and there and finally resting on to his neck and he would find the wherewithal to bring it up across the stubbled skin, rinse it in the bowl and maneuver the blade across his neck again. This time, pausing to steady himself in the mirror, Tzardif repeated the action once more, but tilting the blade, he cut through his skin and brought an end to his miserable and lonely existence as the lizard man of Rotherhithe.

It was the landlord who broke the door down when the rent wasn’t paid.  In the gloom of the upstairs room, he pulled the curtains open, which blew up the dust from the bare wooden floor boards. A shiny blade glinting with light from the window lay amidst a large papery husk in the shape of a man.  The landlord walked over to see the shriveled remains covered in many skins dried and cracked, layer upon layer and within, a small dead boy.

They found within these skins the almost perfectly preserved corpse of a small child. In his hand he clutched a cut throat razor blade and on his neck was a cut, deep into the vein. Inside the bare room, the police found little to identify the Polish man who was supposed to have lived there. Besides the bed and small table next to it, there was just a larger table to eat at and chair next to a small fireplace. There was a cupboard with a few yellowing shirts and vests and on the wall hung a small crucifix and small colour printed calendar in Polish, dated 1951.

Local police investigations revealed that no one could actually picture the Polish man. The café owner knew he ate liver and onions. “He paid is bill on time, no worries, but I could not tell you what he looked like.  You know, he was sort of very plane-looking”. None of the blokes with whom he worked with could do any better. His foreman also struggled to picture him. “Yes, he came in every day and just got on with it and I did not know he was there half the time.  I don’t know what he did, but since he’s gone, we’ve got one hell of a mouse problem”. 

‘It was best to keep this quiet’, the copper said.

‘It would be bad for business’, said the grocer.

The dead Tzardif Dyskynyzych was very difficult to age, especially for those who found his mysterious corpse in the darkened room above the grocer’s shop.  His remains puzzled everyone who saw it.  Just a cold dead boy in the middle of snake-like skins, bearing the faintest resemblance of the man that could be the Polish man who lived there. As for the folk of Albion Street, who went about their lives without much thought about the man above the grocers, there was not much guilt felt about the matter.  After all, the Pole was alien to them.  Not from round here.   

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Christmas Log 31.12.11

Saturday, 31st December 2011

It has been raining, or at least it has not been dry outside at all since Dad's funeral and today was not exception.  Steve and I managed to drag ourselves out to Prescot, at least we got out somewhere, mainly to see if I could get a new strap for dad's watch that we are giving to Liam.  I sent him an email about it and he was pleased to be offered it, saying he would get a new strap if it needed one.  Mum didn't want to give the watch like, that making a fuss about it.  Considering Prescot was the watch making town of the north at one point, there wasn't a single jewellers in the town any more.  There was a key cutting place in Pound Stretcher, or whatever its called, but they only had cheap plastic straps.

We hovered outside the Watchmaker pub, the new Wetherspoons and came back that way after getting the things we wanted.  Inside, its like any other Wetherspoons, but the local photos where interesting and I'd like to go back again have a look at them all.  I had a pint of Pendle Witch's Brew!

After having a roast dinner at the table, we concluded that going out was not on the cards and settled in for a night in front of the TV/laptop.  Jools was on too late for my liking, but we enjoyed watching Alan Carr's special and Gok Won's rude rebuttal when Alan Carr did an impersonation of him.  They might be in trouble for that.

I didn't call anyone except Sprigg, to wish him a belated birthday and a happy new year.  He told me that P's mum died suddenly today, had a heart attack.  I was shocked to hear that.  After everything that had been happening to me, it was sad to hear that someone else was to go through the same thing.  I asked if he would pass on my condolences, but Sprigg said P did not want to hear from me.

Some time ago, Steve bought a chinese lantern, that has been stuck behind the cupboard in the dining room and was fetched out to launch at midnight.  However, the wind kept blowing it back at the ground and it didn't get any lift and fearing it would just burn up, I stamped it out in a puddle in the back garden.  There were plenty of fireworks, some quite amazingly large for people's back gardens.  Another hour of Jools Holland and an amazing pair of legs on Sandy Shaw, and we were off to bed.

Saturday, 31 December 2011

Christmas Log 30.12.11

Friday, 30th December 2011

I tried to have a lay in as long as possible, as getting up early will only wake Steve, but its difficult for me to just lay there in bed.  I don't have games on the phone any more, as they stop me reading and can be a little addictive.  I browsed some of the apps for the phone and managed to find the one that Gary & Dave recommended, one that tunes into radio stations.  Steve and I have been listening a lot to BBC Radio Merseyside this past week and now I can tune into Billy Butler of an afternoon, regardless of where I am.  I like the breakfast show too.

I had it in mind to go into Liverpool today or in the evening, but it was ridiculously wet again. We did go to Prescot and I banked dad's last pension payment into mum's account and then went to get a few bits in Planet Tesco.  In the afternoon, I started going through dad's clothes and bagged some of them up.  I was reminded to call John Joseph Powell Nursing home, where dad died and the nurse I spoke to said she thought they didn't have dad's belongings any more, that they only keep them for a few days.  I said I was disappointed to hear that but she went to check and said there was 'just a small brown holdall' waiting for me to collect, her voice full of judgement.  I went out into the rain again to get it and making use of the Day Ticket I had, I let two Arriva 10A buses and a 61 go by so I could wait for a Stagecoach and get the benefit of the ticket.

I walked into to the small lounge/dining room and one  of the residents looked up at me and said 'Oh Ay, here's trouble".  I thanked the nurses in the small office as they give me dad's bag and then went out into the rain.  Steve was preparing dinner which was smoked haddock and I noticed that it was from China.  China!  Haddock is caught in the water's all around the UK and Tesco go an import it all the way from bleedin China!  I don't think I would have bothered with it if I had have noticed that.

I didn't bother asking if Steve wanted to go out into Liverpool this evening as I know he is averse to going out if it is wet.  We had a quiet evening, me watching telly and Steve, looking at washing machines on the internet.

Christmas Log 29.12.11

After yesterday's bright blue skies, today's was of dark, grey and rain.  It rained all day.  I tried to put some washing out, but the rain came back about 2pm after trying to brighten up a bit.  The Phone rang constantly, mainly it was people who didn't make it to the service and wanted to give their condolences to mum.  She was ok.  She wanted to take down the cards and said they should've gone into the coffin.  I put them in a bag and they have gone upstairs to be put at the bottom of the wardrobe, probably.

Steve and I did very little. I read through some of the notes about completing the Inheritance tax forms, not that there is any to pay, but it still needs completing.  I sent an email to Karen Baker, who sorted out the will for my dad as the signed copy is held in a solicitors in Southport. The tax form wants to know if the house is left solely to mum but it doesn't directly ask if it or part of it has been left to anyone else, as it has in this instance.  This was mainly to protect some or all of the value of the house for me and my brother.  This was not out of any need or greed, but mainly because we feel that these services should be free, like they are in Scotland or in nursing homes.   Dad was in a care home from March to December and I am still not sure if they are going to send a bill or try to recover some of their costs in some way.
I gave up on it by the end of the day, no further.  I did call several utility and insurance companies were dad's name was on the policy.  Some were straight forward, some not so.  Still lots more to do.

Thursday, 29 December 2011

Christmas Log 28.12.11

Wednesday, 28th December 2011

Day of my dad's funeral and I was up at about 7am.  Steve and I had given the house a thorough clean the night before and there was little we needed to do until just before the hearse arrived.  I took the dog for a walk and noticed that despite the beautiful blue skies, the wing was bitingly cold.  Just one circuit of the park and then Freddie aimed for the gates, wise dog.

Mum was ok, quiet and fussing over her trousers that are too long.  My Aunty Tess regularly complains to her daughter who works in M&S in Liverpool about the sizes being inaccurate in the store.  The reason being that the clothes are made abroad, apparently.  A safety pin and all was well.  I called John, and he had just arrived at Lime St Station and I said he might be able to get a train to Prescot at about half past, which he did and he refused to get a cab when arriving at Prescot, saying he had already planned his route with his AtoZ.  Before he arrived, Liam and Ceira came and then just after John arrived, Nick and Kerrie came.  K looked quite respectable and Nick in a suit.

At St Lukes church, the wind was cruel and I took mum right into the entrance. I didn't know all of the people there, but some of the faces I knew just from passing the house.  Mum's friend Jess was there with her eldest son, but I didn't see them.  Dad had lodged with Jess's family when he left the orphanage, aged about 14 and Jess's mum, Mrs Galloway, was almost a grandma to me and my brother.   Mum stayed in her chair and I sat next to her at the front.  I sat down then noticed everyone behind me was stood up.  All of this up and down and kneeling, through the service, I didn't know where I was.  I was asked to do the first reading and tried to steady myself about thinking of a gas bill and a line by Lily Savage, which worked and I got through the reading, except for not knowing how to end it and glanced at the priest, who mouthed the words at me and it was done.   I was supposed to go up again for the bidding prayers, but as we had not had a dress rehearsal about it, I was unsure and just let him and the dean do it.

As much as I am not religious, the ceremony and its words are designed to instigate an emotional response and it worked on all of us.  Many people getting up for communion held my mum's hand as they passed and as we followed dad's coffin out of the church I tried not to make eye contact with anyone.  Outside, I got mum right in the car as the wind was getting worse.  People came over to pay their respects to mum and me, I wasn't sure where Nick was at first.  My cousin Phil came over and said hi and said he had to get back to work. I had not seen him for over 25 years and he looked no different.   The cousin of my dad who called mum a few days ago came over and she looked so like him, though couldn't work out if dad and her were actually blood related.  Nora and the other cousins, Magdalin and Francis and Nora's two daughters chatted to John and I and they said they would come to the crem and to the pub.  One of the daughter's said she knew where the pub was.

During the service, Father Fox's mobile phone started ringing and a few of us commented about it during the slow drive to St Helen's crematorium, which took us very quickly out of suburbia and through farm land that separates Prescot and St Helens.  The entrance to the crem was mercifully enclosed and we waited only briefly before I took mum right to the front next to Dad's coffin.  Mose Allison's Trouble in Mind was playing and it sounded beautiful and really appropriate to the occasion.  It was all too brief, the committal and before we knew it, the curtain was being closed around the stand on which Dad's coffin was resting and then Frank Sinatra's Fly Me To The Moon played and I blubbed and laughed at the same time, as did Nick and Mum.

At the Holt pub, mum wanted to get everyone a drink and so the opened a tab and then they brought out the food, which was lovely, especially the scouse, which dad would have loved.  I chatted with my neice  and her boyfriend, Ian who is CID and her brother Danny.  I usually only see them as they pop into mum's at birthday's and christmas so it was great to sit and have a chat with them properly.  I also talked to Nora and her daughters, whose names I've forgotten already.  The have a relative at Ranlagh Grange where Dad was and one of them is an inspector for CQC.  I told her that when Nick brought back Dad's clothes, they contained women's items and other things that were not his and some things were missing and all if stunk of urine.  Nora's daughter said I had to complain about that.

As they were leaving, Nora and I cried. She said she remembered the day that mine and John's dad were taken from Nora's home to the orphanage, just a few weeks after Nora's mum was given the house that should have been given to our grandmother.  I meant to ask her how Bridget died and where she was buried.  John later asked if anyone had a photo of our granddad, which we didn't ask of Nora.  I said I would send some photo's of dad to Francis.

The afternoon wore on and Steve was starting to look a little wobbly but we decided to go see Ken Dodd, at least for the first half (probably the first 3 hours!) and take John to the station en route.  We actually got a cab right into town, after Steve poured himself a large gin and John and I a Grand Marnie. How we got on the subject, I don't know but the cabbie was big fan of Prefab Sprout, as are John and I and then the cabbie asked us to guess which female singer he has been to see 27 times.  Britney Spears. You couldn't make it up.  He even said he has a tattoo of her on his back.  John asked was he married and he said he was but not any more.  We dropped John off at Lime St station and we carried on up to the Philharmonic and popped into the pub across the road for a quick one.

Ken Dodd made his entrance to a packed house after an intro by some child dancers then some burlesque dancers and then Ken.  Steve nodded off instantly and I have to say that I shut my eyes for a moment.  We managed about an hour, then Ken went off and left some woman singing and playing the piano.  We both went to the toilet and had a pint at the bar, so did about a hundred or so of the audience. We decided that we would go home now and went to the Phil across the road to call a cab from there.  We sat in the large room at the back and then after waiting for a mini cab that came and went without us, we got a black cab, which was not as expensive as I thought it would be.

Back home, I noticed how much gin had actually gone into Steve.  We had a night cap and played the tunes we had had played in the crem and I posted the Mose Allison one on Facebook.